you see me standing
by not.so.tragically
Summary: \\pushing your best friend to fall in love with the person you loved was different flavor of pain — Maya!Centric


_". . .you see me standing,_

 _but I'm dying on the floor. . ."_

* * *

Maya watched closely and she watched carefully, and it happened. Of course, it was expected by everyone, friends, family, even teachers. Everyone was so busy with them, it was easy for her to hide. Nobody saw her reactions, they didn't see how her fists clenched, (or how her lip quivered,) they didn't see the falter in her smile. Maybe it was because she had hid it so well that they wouldn't see, or it was probably because they didn't want to see.

Figuratively speaking, Maya Hart is pretty much Hoover Dam. She holds back 10 trillion gallons of gazes, and smiles, and laughter. She builds a wall, and she builds it strong, so it won't break for the rest of her life.

On that very first day, on the train, she built her dam with concrete. Starting with when she pushed Riley into his lap, that was the first level. That was the first time she pushed herself back. That's because she understood, she heard the story of 'Cory & Topanga' and she knew that he was it for her best friend. So, forcing back the thought of his lost eyes on that first day, and the smile that sank deep in her heart, Maya became a backseat character. As much as she could feel the initial attraction, the initial drive, the pure want, she piled it behind her dam.

Her next layer came in the library, she tried not to listen as they talked. Yet, the words floated into her ears anyways, and just by his tone, she could tell he was smiling.

She builds as Missy Bradford tries to weasel her way into their lives, like things weren't complicated enough. Then, on that day when Lucas declared Riley a princess and she became his secretary it was a small shot to the heart. That's when she saw that she was never going to be the Topanga to his Cory.

A thicker layer comes when she decides she's going to like Josh. (No, she doesn't actually like him like that, though he's something so unattainable, it's impossible for her to focus on him the way that she used to.) It's also a beautiful distraction to Riley and everyone else. Josh becomes a default for anyone who questions her actual feelings towards Lucas. Maya makes herself want Josh, she decides that if she wants him bad enough, it won't matter whether or not she wants the one person her best friend wants.

A prime opportunity comes along when he's rejected on the subway and for a few seconds, she really believes her own lies. When Riley comes back to Maya and she has to push her back to him. And Riley seals the deal with a kiss and storybook ending.

But when they learn that Prince Charming didn't always slay dragons, but instead used to be one, it doesn't scare her away. She breathes a sigh of relief instead, because she finally sees that he actually isn't 'Mr. Perfect'. And that's when Maya realizes she'll have to work harder.

So, she makes up names and teases him relentlessly. Every 'Huckleberry' and 'Ranger Rick' and 'Hurr-hurr' became a concrete block in her dam. And it works, (it works so well), she almost believes that she doesn't like him. Maya Hart had everyone fooled.

Until she met Isaiah Babineaux. He seemed to be the only person who knew that she was lying to them. He made this very clear on many occasions, dragging her away whenever Riley and Lucas did something to ask her if she was alright. She'd nod and tell him that she was fine, still she knew he knew that she wasn't okay in the least.

Still, it couldn't mean anything, her feelings couldn't mean anything.

That's why she explodes the day Lucas develops a name for her, because she _knows_ it means he's (openly) playing along now. Maya can not let him play along, he needs to play his game with Riley and let her build the dam in peace. He has to stop tripping her up because he's cracking the foundation, the idea that he belongs with Riley.

Right after she's solidified her (fake) feelings for Josh to everyone, he comes and decides he wants to live in Mayaville. And that's when she sees something so new in him, it shocks her. He joins her rebellion willingly, no coercion, no threatening, he wanted to be there.

Of course, he only thought it was for fun, but it was a real place. Lucas only danced along the outskirts of her town. He didn't stay long enough to see the destruction in her city, to see the ruins that she had created, to understand that her world was constantly on fire. He only visited Mayaville long enough for her to know that she was nothing worth staying for, she was _just chaos._

She slips up once, when she says his name, and mentally berated herself for the entire week. It shouldn't have happened in the first place and couldn't handle knowing that Lucas was cracking her dam. The class, however, doesn't give a damn about her dam. They name Lucas and herself favorite couple despite her best efforts to appear as platonic as possible. That's when she realizes that he went to her city and took some of the fire with him. And so, she turned herself into Riley. She wanted to remind him, and herself, who was really leading the story.

That's when she understands something pivotal, it rewrites the entire story. Their love, it couldn't have been romantic, no it couldn't be. Not when he looked at her the same way he looked at Riley when she dressed as Riley. Not when she realized that Riley might not love him like that. He couldn't be in love with the idea of Riley, he had to be in love with Riley. And Maya, stops pushing for a while. She refuses to tell Riley what to feel or who to dance with or who belongs on the cover of her notebook.

From there, things never slowed down. Lucas looked at her, really, truly, no blinking, pupil to pupil looked at her. It felt like the world stopped and it was only them that existed. Zay, ever the advocate for Maya, brings the moment to light in the classroom, and she had to break the tension and turn away. Maya felt his sincerity, like it was her own. He genuinely wanted her to be happy, yet she had no idea what to make of what he just said. Then, knowing he talked to Zay about her, calling her beautiful like it was the most normal thing in the world. That's when she stopped building for a while, halting the process was hard, but he was worth it.

She lets herself feel the electricity when he touches her. Maya succumbs to the gazes and the looks and the teasing, (even though it's supposed to be nothing,) they both know it means something. Maya had to push him aside for a while, to make sure that her best friend was alright, even though she'd love to just to be with him.

Still, Riley comes before him, she comes before most things, she comes before all things. Riley comes before Maya, which is why she has to step aside. This is why she supports her, unconditionally (read: even if it means pushing her to fall in love with the boy Maya has fallen in love with.)

But, when they get to Texas and she sees the bull, her heart stops. It literally stops in her chest, then it slams against her rib cage, trying to force her to nearest exit. And she wants to take Lucas back to the city with her, where there are no bulls that he could get thrown off of. Of course, she's angry that Riley still wants him to ride, all for his freaking pride.

If he gets thrown off the bull, his pride won't break his fall. She's angry that he won't listen to her. She's angry that he doesn't care if she cares. She's angry that she loves him so much it'll hurt her if he gets hurt. (It's just not fair.)

And it's not fair that Riley puts the puzzle pieces together and decides that it's time for Maya to reveal her feelings to Lucas. Something white and hot flares up in her when Riley tells him, it wasn't her secret to tell. It makes her want to yell and cry at the same time, because nothing feels fair. However, she doesn't. Maya bottles it up and pours it out behind her dam of silenced screams.

And he won't let it go, he won't leave her alone, he keeps looking, and looking and it sets her off. Maya's rambling, firing off every mantra she's repeated to herself when she sees him, and—

He stops her, pressing a deep, wanton kiss against her lips, and she stands there in complete shock. Lucas pulls back, her face still in his hands, and she feels so safe right there. Her breathing's irregular and she can barely remember where they are.

Her dam.

Turning away, she sat down, whispering that they could not happen, no matter what. She dismissed his calls of her name, and she refused to talk about it, as she walked away.

From then on, she pushed everyone away. She couldn't stand to look at Riley without wanting to vomit from her own guilt, it was like she had _cheated_ on her best friend. The very thought of Lucas made her stomach gurgle, and she couldn't tell if it was in a good way, or a bad way.

Then, she has no time focus on Lucas or Riley because her father's fought and clawed his way out of her dungeon of sadness, and goes looting in Mayaville again. He's a fucking earthquake, and she does not want to see him. Or at least, she thought she didn't, the little girl inside of Maya still wanted to know what she did to make him leave. That little girl wants to know why she wasn't enough. No, she doesn't get the definite answer she wanted and no, she can't find it in herself to forgive him. But she will forgive herself, and ease some of the pain locked behind her dam.

Just as things are slowing down again, somebody smashes the gas pedal and propels them into the state of belief. It draws the line between Farkle, herself, and Lucas and Riley. It's not that Maya doesn't want to believe in God or any other deity there is, it's that she can't find it in herself to do so. Yet she tries it anyways, she tries to believe in something that's bigger than she could even imagine. Maya tries to believe that there is someone watching over everything, that there is someone with the entire world in their palm.

(So, just maybe, that someone has her ending up with Lucas.) In her head, it's a long shot, and in her heart, well she has some damn good aim.

New Year's whips around the corner before she can blink and suddenly everything changes. That night, she gives in, only a bit, only an inch. She tells him the truth for once, she tells him how she's feeling in that moment. She pours him a glass out of the water in her dam, and immediately the glass is poured back over her head.

Why? Because Riley still loves Lucas. The whole world knew that she still loved Lucas, yet that doesn't stop the stutter in Maya's heart when she hears it out loud.

Maya Hart needs some more concrete.

—

 _me and my heart_

 _we'll make it through_

—

When school comes around again, Maya is okay.

Well, not okay. But, she is pretending to be okay. She laughs and jokes with her friends, Lucas included, like everything is platonic. There are no decisions to be made because Lucas is going to be with Riley.

And Maya? She'll be just fine.

—

 _maybe if i don't cry_

 _i wont feel anymore_

—

Maya breathes and she paints. She paints until her fingers hurt, and then she paints some more. She paints on the damn she's built. The dam that has kept her safe and sound for so long. It's stronger than ever now, and she's a pro at adding onto it.

Until high school rolls around and suddenly it doesn't feel like enough. Now, they're on a whole different playground. The stage is wider now, and it's time for Lucas to make a decision. Maya refuses to sit in a triangle for the rest of her teenage life, she deserves more, and she won't just—

He chose her.

Lucas chose Riley.

And that's fine. It's alright. She saw it coming from a mile away. She was falling in love with him and he was falling in love with her.

 _"Are you okay?"_ Yes, Maya Hart is fine. Her dam has kept her safe.

So, it's obvious that she'll go to the Valentine's Day party at Topanga's that just so happens to fall on their one month anniversary. (Of freaking course.) That's just the kind of thing that happens. Maya is the best friend and she's doing just fine. She doesn't care that his eyes look beautiful with the green shirt he's wearing. Maya can act like her heart doesn't flutter every time she's hears his voice. No, she'll pretend her palms don't sweat when he talks to her.

(And— _oh, God_ —if she doesn't deserve an Oscar for her performance when Riley tells her that she's going to tell Lucas that's she's in love with him.) In all her life, she never knew anything that could hurt so good like pushing your best friend to fall for the person you're in love with. It's a different flavor of pain, and hits a different area of her heart.

Yes, everyone comes to their party, all of their friends from their old eighth grade class at least. They laugh and talk and joke about how they all saw this coming. People make references to Cory and Topanga, (the ultimate love story); they're happy because it's first love, and they'll be together forever.

Riley breaks away from them to see Maya nursing a soda at the window seat.

Maya smiles and nods when Riley asks if she's alright and tell her that's she actually waiting on Tyler Flynn from her English class to make his appearance. She lies and says that she invited him because she kinda has a crush.

(But, no, she doesn't like him. He's sexist, immature, and worst of all? He's not Lucas.)

She'll spend the night lying through her teeth to everyone who cares about her. Only because the person she cares for most is the one who she's given up her happy ending for. In fact, she's kind of happy. Her dam is strong and she's getting better at lying and acting like she's okay.

This is probably the strongest she's ever felt.

Still, her weakest moment comes in secret. It's when she turns her head away from her group and steps into the kitchen. That's where she hears Riley tell Lucas that she loves him.

It's in that moment when her heart actually stops, completely. Time moves in slow motion, and Maya goes back to her seat.

(But, the voices are too loud and the room is suffocating her now.) So, she steps outside trying to catch her breath. Her heart still hasn't started beating again, so she walks, she walks and walks until she reaches Riley's building.

And she keeps going, up the stairs, all the way to the roof. Once she thinks she's safe, she hears a voice.

Zay.

"What are you doing here?" Her face is questioning and her tone is tough.

He walks away from the door. "What are you doing here?" He fires back, examining her.

"Just getting some air, you know?" Maya tries to sound casual but her voice crack on her vowels and she can't hide it. "Just trying to breathe."

Zay nods, and takes a spot next to her by the ledge. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fi—" Maya's voice breaks again and she finally whispers, "No. I'm not."

"Tell me about it, Maya. I mean seriously, tell me." He's staring at her now, there's not even a hint of a smile on his face.

"It's not fair." She answers, running a slow hand through her hair.

"What isn't?"

This is when Maya finally recognizes the biggest crack in her dam. "Because I loved him first!" She screams. The words are that of a small child but the agony in her voice is mature. "I loved him first! That's why! Because everyone down at Topanga's is laughing and joking about how they're each other's first love and they'll be together forever. And nobody knows that I loved him first!" Maya can't stop yelling, it's like her volume button is broken.

"I pushed her on the subway, twice! Everything they are, I did that! She wanted to give up on him because of who he used to be, but I told her not to! But, of course, nobody gives a _damn_ about Maya! I hate it! I hate that I put her before myself, I hate that she outed my feelings for him, I hate that people use my life as a joke!"

Her dam is wrecked now, and her dead screams are gaining new life. "It's like, 'Hey, your life is kinda shitty right now, but at least it isn't Maya's.' I hate that I never feel good enough for anyone! I hate that my Dad left, that jerk! I hate that people disregard my growth, like people change people, but Maya can't grow or get better at all! I'm just supposed to work some dead end job like my Mom instead of getting better! Everyone swears they want the best for me, and yet, somehow, I always end up last!"

"I loved him first, Zay! I loved him through everything! I love him! My best friend loves him and I still love him!"

That's it. The dam is gone, destroyed completely, and she'll never be able to fix it. Feeling her face wet, she thought that it was raining, but it was just her. The waters of her dam ran through her eyes and soaked her face until her eyes hurt. Then, she feels it. Her heart's beating again. Breathing hard, she sighs. Looking back up at Zay, she laughs.

"What is it, Maya?"

"I thought that my dad leaving was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but this takes the cake. I pushed her to fall in love, knowing I'd end face first on the concrete." Maya gives a few more mirthless chuckles, wiping her face with the sleeve of her jacket.

Zay pulls a pack of Kleenex out of his pocket, and Maya doesn't even question it. "I'm sorry about all of this Maya. And I'm sorry if I ever made fun of your life."

"Please, Cupcake, you're like the president of the 'Maya Hart's Heart' club." She dabs at her face with Kleenex seeing her makeup smear on the tissue. "God, I probably look like a mess right now."

"Eh, you're pulling off the wet raccoon look." He grins as she pushes her hair out of her face. "C'mon." As they're walking back downstairs, Zay finally catches what she says. "Did you just call me Cupcake?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I don't know, 'cause it's adorable I guess."

"Okay, doll."

"No, I don't like doll."

"Puppy-pie?"

"Isaiah."

"Angel."

"Angel?"

"Yes, Angel."

—

 _God knows i try_

 _to feel happy for you_

—

But, the dam is not an easy thing to leave alone. Lucas and Riley are more in love than ever now, and they're perfectly okay with everyone knowing. And for that reason Maya starts to pull away. She's pulling far away. She can't bear to watch them at dances, and in the hallways, or at Topanga's, or near her locker.

Maya wants to be happy for Riley, she doesn't want to be a bad friend, but everything hurts. Seeing Lucas hurts, seeing Riley hurts, seeing herself hurts. Pain begins to fester in the spots where hope used to reside, and it feels so good sometimes that she can't bother to push it away. The pain reminded that she was still alive. It overwhelms the places where she used to feel happy, and then it deepens until she's just numb.

She begins spending her all of her time in the art room. Painting is an easy escape, it's a quick comfort. But, soon all she can paint is Lucas, or it's empty anger splattered all over her canvas. Her teacher tells her that they're amazing, beautiful paintings. He puts them up at an art show the school hosts, yet Maya can't seem to bring herself out of bed that to enjoy them.

It doesn't even feel like she's breathing most days. It takes her longer and longer to get up and out of bed.

Maya Hart is exhausted and lonely.

Everyone notices her drawing away, and nobody knows how to bring her back. Not even Riley, who's too confused to understand. They talk to her, she's just never really listening. All of a sudden, everything just feels like too much. Her feelings are too much, so she turned them off, and now she doesn't feel anything.

Maya's friends are trying, and she's pushing. The only one she talks to is Zay, but it still hurts her heart.

Her heart.

(Or whatever's left of the pieces of that dead thing in her chest.)

And some days—though she'd never tell anyone—she's tempted to drink. Like her uncle, or her cousins, or her neighbors (Charlie). Love drove them to heartbreak. Heartbreak drove them to alcoholism. Alcoholism drove them to hate. Hate drove them to cemetery.

So, she doesn't drink.

Instead, she sings. Maya finds a cozy little bar that her upstairs neighbor owns, fifteen minutes away, and she sings. People drink and Charlie tells her no when she asks. She sings songs about heartbreak and pain. The crowd listens and encourages her pain. (Because if Hart's know anything, it's singing and pain.) Pretty soon, Charlie's actually paying her. Every Friday and Saturday night, Maya rips off a few band-aids on wounds that weren't even healing to begin with, and sings her heart out.

Except, she accidentally tells Blabbermouth Babineaux. And now, sitting in the middle of the tables set up by the stage, five, under-aged teenagers sit in a bar, waiting to hear the last song of Maya's set. She almost ready to bolt, but it's only one song, and she refuses to leave.

Inhaling, Maya shuts her eyes.

The words bang around in her heart. Each sound she lets out is directed towards the couple of the century. Her voice breaks early on, but she reigns in control and times her emotions. The last chorus makes her heart clench as she knows it's finally nearing the end for her.

Taking a pause before the last few notes, Maya still doesn't open her eyes, knowing that they are red from the tears she was trying to hold back. A few slipped anyways, so her effort was in vain.

The song's ending comes up and she draws in a breath, before opening her mouth and giving the last of her strength to the note. It holds true and she can't hear anything over the sound of her own voice. It rings over the microphone and echoes throughout the entire bar. She can't help the hands (hers, of course) that rise to cradle her body as the note tapers off.

"I'm happy for you."

—

 _i wish i could mean this_

 _but here's my goodbye_

—

It doesn't hurt until she gets home. Until she finally realizes what she did. Riley's shining eyes didn't hit her as hard. The way Lucas balled his fists didn't even make her reconsider. She barely even realizes that she's just told two of her closest friends that she can't see them anymore.

But, Maya's spent her whole life pretending to be okay to make people happy. It was actually killing and it was time that she finally put herself first.

—

 _don't wanna be_

 _stone cold_

—

It takes time for her to learn how to breath again. She falters along the way. (A lot.) She makes a lot of mistakes, and falls flat on her face. But, she does it the pursuit of her own joy, so she keeps getting up. Some nights she finds comfort in the arms of some boy or just the sound of her music in the background, and it gives her peace.

She takes solace in music, in singing, in giving her everything to a song, to a painting. There's a new passion unearthed in her, and it gives her strength. Some days, she doesn't do anything but think, and sleep, and reorganize herself. Maya makes friends and loses a few. A couple of times she'll find herself in the wrong crowd or tempted by the bottle (alcohol and pills), but she never accedes.

The pain of losing Riley and Lucas hurts everyday, sometimes it's dull, other days it's like a fresh wound. And, she continues on, despite the ache for her old self.

Right now, she's laying in the arms of a girl named Ivy (she's learned she likes that too), who has dark blue hair and brown eyes. Ivy's humming a song into Maya's neck, and Maya is tucking herself in even closer.

"I love you." Ivy breathes against her hair, and Maya can hear the fear that tinges on the second word.

There's a brief moment of hesitation, (she wants to be sure), and then she whispers back, "I love you, too."

And there it is.

She can finally feel it.

Her heart's beating again.

—

* * *

 **This was incredibly angst-y. I didn't even know where I was going with this when I started writing it, it was inspired by a Tumblr post. I didn't even expect it to make it off my DocMan, but I kept coming back to it for some reason.**

 **I might rewrite this when I go through and reread for a grammar check. This did not have the happy ending I was going to write, oh my goodness. This was...a surprise for both of us I guess. I didn't know that I was going to end it like that.**

 **But, I guess this is realistic in like the real, real world. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.**

 **xoxo, Minnie**


End file.
